Blog #4-Mind of the confused!

Blog #4-Mind of the confused!

There are times during the day, where my heart is pounding out of my chest, my neck tenses up, and then I realize that I don’t have control over anything even myself. I find that it is at these times which I feel lost the most. There are times where I can look right in front of me and I not know where I am at, or even which direction I want to go. As the world continues to spend around me I begin to lose consciousness of everything I thought I was aware about. How come I can bring light to so many others lives but I, myself still live in the dark? I constantly awake on a daily a wonder how I even got here, or why am I even in these situations. Since I am always beating up on myself of course I blame no one but myself for anything negative which I let happen in my life. I do realize that I put myself in a cycle of unhappiness and depression but I also realize that this cycle was predestined and meant to teach me something valuable.

At first glance I can never determine the lesson, it isn't until the second, third, and forth looks that I realize that the lesson is usually bigger than me. Also that within the deeper meaning I can usually find the logical answer. What is ironic is that many know me as one to be crazy or 5150, however it is usually I who can determine some truth or logic to the situation, while allowing others to also find that same logic.

One thing I have learned in my young but mature 30 years of age, is that my thoughts may not always be as normal and as rational as those who claim to have no mental illnesses but my thoughts are still clear enough to see reality and how it can affect me if I were truly as blind as I may appear to be. I can clearly see patterns and actions. I can recognize consideration and caring. I can also understand truth and heartbreak. I can only see these things from experience, past examples and living life. When I see some of these same things I look at the situation as a chance to make brighter and wiser choice and more importantly a second chance to do things differently although it may not be right.

I have found that my thoughts get me into trouble, and that I allow my past to relive in my future. My impulsiveness, stubbornness, and insecurities drain me as a person and causes me to lose valuable relationships. Attempting to protect myself from getting hurt, has pushed me to get hurt more than not. What do you do when you feel you may be your only demise?

Every day I try to learn something new and to grow a little more as a person. Although the cycle of my mind tends to often set me back, I find that I am still strong enough to take one step forward. I find that I don’t ever feel like I am strong enough in a situation until I am forced and have no other choice but to be strong, and move on. Working well under pressure has allowed me to be able to adjust and adapt to any situation presented to me, once I open my eyes and remember who I really am! However it doesn't give me time, and a chance to learn and love as much as I would like to open myself up too.

Anyone who has the mind of the confused such as myself, or mental health issues as the world calls it, think of how we picture our minds to be if it weren't broken, but calmed, healed, and relaxed. The mind of the confused may give me the feeling of being lost or feeling empty, but our minds are a door to offering a band new understanding to life. Minds of the confused, I say, “No!” Minds of deeper thoughts, and the path to the world’s reality!

Love, Life and Happiness

Crybaby’s Blog #3- Love, Life and Happiness

Throughout my life I have discovered that love, life and happiness are all intertwined. Many believe that through discovering one of these that another one shall fall in place. Many times it may even become a cycle someone may experience. For me however I have somehow defined all separately. I have looked back over my life and determined that through everything it was my passion to want to be loved, that I have let determine the happiness in my life. I have also discovered that this type of outlook has proven to be unhealthy for me however I still find myself in this same cycle.

During my 30 years of living I had discovered something about myself. I had discovered that all I ever wanted in life is to feel loved and wanted. I honestly felt the only way to truly feel that way is to have a family of my own. I felt that my children and spouse would love me know matter what. This is one of the main reasons that I had my daughter at the age of sixteen and the reason why I have three kids but three different fathers. Each time I honestly felt I was making progress to having my own family. However in starting at a young age, I not only was not able to make smart choices about the people I was dating but I also wasn’t able to learn what I really wanted myself.

Although, I have kids and I have always been attacked to females, in fact I remember being as young as five, and wanting to play house, and be the dad so I could kiss and hump the mom. Many may have remember doing the same things, but look back and say they were just experimenting. Forever I felt the same way until I was about fourteen and I met another young girl at camp who claimed at thirteen she was already a lesbian. After talking to her and spending more time with her I had discovered that many of the feelings she was feeling I had felt too. She then introduced me to her cousin, whom introduced me to a whole new world I never wanted to leave.

As a Christian we learn that being gay was a sin, and that a family consisted of a male, female, and kids. So that is what I strived for. However I found that I was often forcing myself to be in these relationships, made poor choices, forced myself to have sex with people, and discovered that I was often depressed and unhappy. Throughout high school and college I continued to be in relationships with males but have always explained my feelings for females, which allowed my relationships to be more open to having relationships with females as well. This had worked for me but I found that I was still unhappy forcing myself into relationships I am not all the way in emotionally because of my urge to be with females.

After having my third child, and still not in a successful, healthy committed relationship, I decided that I no longer needed a male, I had all the kids I had wanted. As well as that there were females who wanted a family with another female, and they were actually even more open than men to me already having children. I still was so concerned that God will be unhappy with my choice, so I started researching being gay, and having gay feelings. I even researched how to suppress these feelings, but it was through this research I discovered that being gay was a hormonal imbalance, such as being bipolar is a chemical imbalance. I learned that I was born with these feelings and that they were never going to go away. I also looked more into the bible and learned that the bible was written as different versions of peoples testimony of what had happened, and that it was not actually God whom had made this claim, but it was man. Just as in today’s society man disagrees with being gay they also did in the biblical days and that God will always love and accept me just because he created me. I then talked to my daughters whom I had an open conversation with, and after some questioning and explaining, they explained that they would love me no matter what. It was at that time that I decided to change my life and change my orientation completely and only date females.

During the last four years of my life I had learned that much of my unhappiness in my life had come from trying to push myself into something that I really wasn't into. The times I have been in female relationships have been some of the most meaningful and intimate relationships I have had. I have found a new level of happiness now that have remained dating only women, and feel comfortable in knowing that I wasn’t doing anything wrong because God had made me like this way and I was happier than ever.

The only circumstance which had not changed was that fact I was still making poor choices in partners. It wasn’t until recently that I had found out that over eight years ago I had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This disorder affects the effectiveness of my relationships, how I act and respond in them. This new knowledge allowed me to understand why I have such a difficult time in my relationships. This disorder causes me to either see people as all good or all bad, to be insecure, and to even come up with scenarios which causes me to accuse and blame others. This disorder had affected my life drastically, and even had forced me to be alone or in and out of relationships. This disorder also allows me to detach easily making it a bit easier to move on and get over another, when you can come up and think of the worst in them.

I not only lean on God to help me through my mental illnesses so that I may have more effective personal relationships, but I have also looked into therapy and self-help materials to make to better my character and make my personal relationships better too. I have found through my mental illnesses, that I have affected my own relationships, and that if I can’t find someone who loves and accepts me for all my issues and flaws that I would be alone forever.

When it comes to life, love, and happiness I have learned that even though I have ended up the one hurt in every relationship that, it was me who had truly let the relationships take a down slope. I think that it is because I have let my past, pain, and life affect how I love and how I want to be loved. I have let my feelings determine my path, and let others determine my boundaries. I have opened myself up and drained myself in every relationship I had been in to discover that I always left empty handed and haven’t gotten much of anything out of my relationships but had always given so much, and left still giving even after they are gone.

I have let my hurt and past define me unfortunately. I have let these relationships determine my worth, character, self-esteem, and confidence. Even though know that it is wrong. By the time I get out of a relationship, I feel drained, insecure, and have low self-esteem. I tend to beat myself up and blame myself for everything that had went wrong in the relationship and tried to figure out what I could have done better. I beat myself up for feeling that I had not been enough for that person or not been enough for them to love me. I also found that because of my past I often find myself doing and offering things to others just because I wanted them to like or love me.

I now live on the belief that I cannot settle, and not to continue to stay in relationship which I am not happy in, because I live by my saying that; “love is an emotion which you cannot control therefore you have to go off real life facts and situations to determine what moves to make in a relationship.” As they say, “love is blind and it will take over your mind.” In knowing that I have been more confident in letting my mind make decisions for me and not my heart. I believe that now I know who and what I want for a relationship. I know that I deserve to be happy and with someone who will love me unconditionally and treat me as I deserve.

Recently, I have been in relationships where I was unhappy, felt used, unworthy, not important, played and felt as though I was being unappreciated or not having my feelings considered. I know these feelings because I have been in previous relationships where I have been treated like that. I have decided that I want more and deserve more. I have set boundaries to my life, love, and my happiness. I have determined to no longer be the victim, or to be a hobby or back up plan, but instead someone who is a plan A, a potential wife and a person who refuses to continue to be lied to, beat up on, unappreciated, stolen from and cheated on. Therefore I have to be more cautious to what I am will to accept, and who I date. I just want to protect myself from feeling other than God had made me in his eyes.

My story of my life, love and happiness is just the beginning to understanding a little about me and why I am such a difficult person to be with although in the outcome it is all worth it. I have faith that God will send me who he has for me, and when he does I know that they will love me as I want to be love. When this happens I know that this will be the family I have always desired, and the relationship which would last forever because it was meant to be. As the princesses in the Disney movies, I know that my like them my life, love, and happiness will someday be linked, locked, and real.

Fibromyalgia - National Library of Medicine - PubMed Health

Fibromyalgia - National Library of Medicine - PubMed Health.... My disorder.... educate yourself!

Crybaby’s Blog #2- Education Struggle

Crybaby’s Blog #2- Education Struggle

I have always believed that education is the key to not just success but to life in general.  My name is Jasmon Jackson I am originally from Oakland, California and came to San Jose State straight out of high school. However unlike most seventeen years old who graduated from high school, I was already a single mother at sixteen. When I first had my daughter I lived with my father whom was very strict and made it very clear that having a child was my responsibility. I remember three months after my daughter was; born knocking on my father door and telling him that my daughter did not have any more diapers. He said, "That it was not is responsibility and that I needed to figure out how to get my daughter diapers." For two days I wrapped my daughter in tee shirts and towels, the same week I got a job at Churches Chicken after school. At sixteen I was taking my daughter to school and to work with me, and only made enough for diapers and transportation to work. It was at that time I realized that something had to change and the way to having a better life for me and my daughter was for me to go to college and to get an education. 

As a freshman in collage, I lived on my own, worked, made Honor roll and the Dean’s list. My second year at San Jose State I started a nonprofit student organizations called Mothers on Mission, that helped parents in collage with resources and support through school. Mothers on a Mission not only held successful fundraisers, including a comedy show, but we also met with the President of the University to make changes to SJSU to make the campus more parents friendly. It was that year when SJSU installed diaper changing tables in major bathrooms and elevators and parking garages to make it easier for parents to carry their children to school and the childcare center.

In August of 2004 I was hospitalized in the mental hospital and diagnosed as Bi Polar, Borderline Personality disorder, anxiety and disassociation. I struggled with my mental illnesses, and hospitalizations for years. Through it all I continued my education.

My third year in college, I continued working, going to school, and running my organization. However I had my second daughter and it was then that being a single mother began to take a toll and my grades began to slip. I was then disqualified from SJSU for poor grades and began attending Solano Community Collage to begin my journey to get back in to SJSU. Due to my finances I was not able to go to Open University to get back in SJSU so I attended Solano for five years, where I had my third daughter, who is premature and disabled. I again was on honor roll at Solano and then was finally reinstated on special circumstances, and am now I am in my last year at SJSU. I will be graduating in spring with a Bachelor in Communications. During this whole process I refused to give up on school. As a single mother of three girls I felt that the only way to have a better life for me and my kids was my education. As well as showing my daughters to never give up on what you want, especially their educations. 

During my last few semesters I was tested for a learning disability and was diagnosed with a reading comprehension problem, in September 2011 I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which is a chronic fatigue and pain disorder. Struggling with mental illness again, my learning disability, and now severe pain I felt now more than ever I needed to get my degrees or all my work may have been done in vein.

I have been a single mother for over twelve years now, and although I love being the mother of three beautiful girls, it’s honestly the hardest job to have. I have missed finals, dropped classes, and sacrifice many of my goals to be the best mother I can be. There have been many times in school, when I had no childcare, or one of my girls were ill and I had to make choices that weren’t always best for me but are best for my children. 

My struggle through school has been a long journey, and I was scared for my journey to end because I have been in school for so many years, I still have the anxiety from being in school. I recently just graduated in May 2013 with a (3) AA 1^st in AA Communications, 2^nd AA in Liberal Studies, and 3^rd AA in University studies from Solano Community college. In the same semester also graduated from San Jose State University with my BS in Communications.

I have proven that education is my primary goal. Also, as I single mother I have been able to maintain satisfactory grades, and have contributed to my school and the community to help other parents who are also in a higher educational program. Since completing my degrees I plan on getting my masters and writing my first book. I feel the furthest I can go in my education is the way to making sure that I am the best Jasmon that I can be. With my masters I feel a chance to finally be able to do something for myself that actually benefited me and my family to the fullest. As a career goal I would like to started my business where I work as an Independent Public relations Specialist, and I also still plan on looking for a position as a; PR specialist, Marketing Rep., Journalist, Social Media Rep., or Writer/Author in a mid size up and coming social and communication related company..

http://spartandaily.com/52774/sjsu-moms-seek-changes

Crybaby's Blog: Blog #1 Into

Crybaby's Blog: Blog #1 Into: May 26, 2013 Crybaby’s Blog I use to write more than I do now. I often found at times that there was nothing I can do but pray and writ...

Blog #1 Into

May 26, 2013

Crybaby’s Blog

I use to write more than I do now. I often found at times that there was nothing I can do but pray and write.  I have always found ways to express myself weather it’s through, verbal word or  written print either way, I found that I can take how I felt and express it ways that others could understand me. However when I truly think about expressing how I feel, I remember of a time where my personal journal was read and used against me to not only judge me but incarcerate me in mental hospital, because the world does not really want to know the truth.  This may seem as if I am paranoid or creating a conspiracy theory but those who know me know, this is my life. Struggling with a mental illness most of my life, I have come to accept that the thoughts, and the way my mind works is far from normal. Realizing that my mind races, my views vary from many, my depression is circulating, and my life is at a point of change and growth, I understood the need to begin writing again and expressing to the world what life is expressively like in the mind of; the mental, educated, and self loafing that lies within me.  

When attending church on Sundays I am in my own bubble, when I think of why I had really stepped into the doors of the church. I once was in dark hole, which no one could pull me out. I was full of depression, fear, despair. I remember very little through those years in fact the only thing I remembered was the voices I my head, the anxiety in my chest, and the pain in my heart. I knew I was broken and that I needed to concede with my thoughts and voices and take my life from this Earth. It wasn’t until my six suicide attempt where, I attempted to hang myself, and was admitted again to the mental hospital, that my kids came to me and asked, “What they had done, and why I didn’t want to be with them.” It was that point I changed my life and began living for my children even more than ever. As a Christian I had known that suicide was the ultimate sin, but still felt that the hell I was going too could not compare to the hell I already lived in. It was the film, The Passion of Christ which opened my mind and heart when I realized that Jesus died for me, how I dare take the life he has given me? Although my thoughts haven’t changed my heart and attitude has, and I could no longer continue to take my life but instead praise him for what he has brought me through, and what he had seen in me. Since I knew I wanted to overcome these negative thoughts and feelings, I felt I had to lean on something, so why not God? Why not Jesus who dies for me?

I then sat and continued to ask myself even more questions because once I think one thought, my thoughts become a chain of thoughts. My mind races and flips as if the button was stuck on the channel up button, and the scenes flipped at a fast pace.  When did this rage of emotions start for me? When did I first hear the voices singing lyrics of negativity? Was it my parents’ divorce? The molestation when I was younger? Maybe even when I was raped? I had never thought of any of these situations to have defined who I am or even accept that I wanted to establish that these incidents even affected me. I then think of the incidents which I did feel like affected me like;  my personal relationships of my past, mental hospitalizations, jail, the attempt of death on my life, my children, my schooling, change in my sexual orientation, fibromyalgia, and my addiction with prescription pills.  Many of these situations most have also experienced as well, however every one adjust and adapts differently after incidents such as these. I have learned that these are traumatic incidents, and that they have an effect in persons’ life, self esteem, and motivation for life.  I know that all these have been altered for me as well, but I have also learned to forgive, live and learn for each. So paranoid I think not, without judgment and with some understanding one can understand my anxiety and racing thoughts. One can feel the emotions I feel and see how it was difficult to find a light in that dark whole.

I am no longer scared of judgment or what people think, but am more afraid of not letting others know what I’ve been through and even more how I came through, and that I am still climbing to get out. This is the first of many of my blogs where I will continue to express me, my life, and my mind. Although much of my habits may be unhealthy I have adapted to my life through, cutting myself, prayer, helping others, my education, marijuana and the investments for my children. Still growing and changing, I now realize this is just the beginning of my life, but to get to my future I wanted to share with everyone my struggle, testimony, and my past. Scared only of those I might hurt through my truth and feelings, I still feel that only truth heals all, and honestly heals the mind, in time all will be forgiven and a new understanding will have arrived. Don’t judge but open your mind and find out not what you may learn about me, but what you may learn about; yourself, life, and even love.

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