Love, Life and Happiness

Crybaby’s Blog #3- Love, Life and Happiness

Throughout my life I have discovered that love, life and happiness are all intertwined. Many believe that through discovering one of these that another one shall fall in place. Many times it may even become a cycle someone may experience. For me however I have somehow defined all separately. I have looked back over my life and determined that through everything it was my passion to want to be loved, that I have let determine the happiness in my life. I have also discovered that this type of outlook has proven to be unhealthy for me however I still find myself in this same cycle.

During my 30 years of living I had discovered something about myself. I had discovered that all I ever wanted in life is to feel loved and wanted. I honestly felt the only way to truly feel that way is to have a family of my own. I felt that my children and spouse would love me know matter what. This is one of the main reasons that I had my daughter at the age of sixteen and the reason why I have three kids but three different fathers. Each time I honestly felt I was making progress to having my own family. However in starting at a young age, I not only was not able to make smart choices about the people I was dating but I also wasn’t able to learn what I really wanted myself.

Although, I have kids and I have always been attacked to females, in fact I remember being as young as five, and wanting to play house, and be the dad so I could kiss and hump the mom. Many may have remember doing the same things, but look back and say they were just experimenting. Forever I felt the same way until I was about fourteen and I met another young girl at camp who claimed at thirteen she was already a lesbian. After talking to her and spending more time with her I had discovered that many of the feelings she was feeling I had felt too. She then introduced me to her cousin, whom introduced me to a whole new world I never wanted to leave.

As a Christian we learn that being gay was a sin, and that a family consisted of a male, female, and kids. So that is what I strived for. However I found that I was often forcing myself to be in these relationships, made poor choices, forced myself to have sex with people, and discovered that I was often depressed and unhappy. Throughout high school and college I continued to be in relationships with males but have always explained my feelings for females, which allowed my relationships to be more open to having relationships with females as well. This had worked for me but I found that I was still unhappy forcing myself into relationships I am not all the way in emotionally because of my urge to be with females.

After having my third child, and still not in a successful, healthy committed relationship, I decided that I no longer needed a male, I had all the kids I had wanted. As well as that there were females who wanted a family with another female, and they were actually even more open than men to me already having children. I still was so concerned that God will be unhappy with my choice, so I started researching being gay, and having gay feelings. I even researched how to suppress these feelings, but it was through this research I discovered that being gay was a hormonal imbalance, such as being bipolar is a chemical imbalance. I learned that I was born with these feelings and that they were never going to go away. I also looked more into the bible and learned that the bible was written as different versions of peoples testimony of what had happened, and that it was not actually God whom had made this claim, but it was man. Just as in today’s society man disagrees with being gay they also did in the biblical days and that God will always love and accept me just because he created me. I then talked to my daughters whom I had an open conversation with, and after some questioning and explaining, they explained that they would love me no matter what. It was at that time that I decided to change my life and change my orientation completely and only date females.

During the last four years of my life I had learned that much of my unhappiness in my life had come from trying to push myself into something that I really wasn't into. The times I have been in female relationships have been some of the most meaningful and intimate relationships I have had. I have found a new level of happiness now that have remained dating only women, and feel comfortable in knowing that I wasn’t doing anything wrong because God had made me like this way and I was happier than ever.

The only circumstance which had not changed was that fact I was still making poor choices in partners. It wasn’t until recently that I had found out that over eight years ago I had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This disorder affects the effectiveness of my relationships, how I act and respond in them. This new knowledge allowed me to understand why I have such a difficult time in my relationships. This disorder causes me to either see people as all good or all bad, to be insecure, and to even come up with scenarios which causes me to accuse and blame others. This disorder had affected my life drastically, and even had forced me to be alone or in and out of relationships. This disorder also allows me to detach easily making it a bit easier to move on and get over another, when you can come up and think of the worst in them.

I not only lean on God to help me through my mental illnesses so that I may have more effective personal relationships, but I have also looked into therapy and self-help materials to make to better my character and make my personal relationships better too. I have found through my mental illnesses, that I have affected my own relationships, and that if I can’t find someone who loves and accepts me for all my issues and flaws that I would be alone forever.

When it comes to life, love, and happiness I have learned that even though I have ended up the one hurt in every relationship that, it was me who had truly let the relationships take a down slope. I think that it is because I have let my past, pain, and life affect how I love and how I want to be loved. I have let my feelings determine my path, and let others determine my boundaries. I have opened myself up and drained myself in every relationship I had been in to discover that I always left empty handed and haven’t gotten much of anything out of my relationships but had always given so much, and left still giving even after they are gone.

I have let my hurt and past define me unfortunately. I have let these relationships determine my worth, character, self-esteem, and confidence. Even though know that it is wrong. By the time I get out of a relationship, I feel drained, insecure, and have low self-esteem. I tend to beat myself up and blame myself for everything that had went wrong in the relationship and tried to figure out what I could have done better. I beat myself up for feeling that I had not been enough for that person or not been enough for them to love me. I also found that because of my past I often find myself doing and offering things to others just because I wanted them to like or love me.

I now live on the belief that I cannot settle, and not to continue to stay in relationship which I am not happy in, because I live by my saying that; “love is an emotion which you cannot control therefore you have to go off real life facts and situations to determine what moves to make in a relationship.” As they say, “love is blind and it will take over your mind.” In knowing that I have been more confident in letting my mind make decisions for me and not my heart. I believe that now I know who and what I want for a relationship. I know that I deserve to be happy and with someone who will love me unconditionally and treat me as I deserve.

Recently, I have been in relationships where I was unhappy, felt used, unworthy, not important, played and felt as though I was being unappreciated or not having my feelings considered. I know these feelings because I have been in previous relationships where I have been treated like that. I have decided that I want more and deserve more. I have set boundaries to my life, love, and my happiness. I have determined to no longer be the victim, or to be a hobby or back up plan, but instead someone who is a plan A, a potential wife and a person who refuses to continue to be lied to, beat up on, unappreciated, stolen from and cheated on. Therefore I have to be more cautious to what I am will to accept, and who I date. I just want to protect myself from feeling other than God had made me in his eyes.

My story of my life, love and happiness is just the beginning to understanding a little about me and why I am such a difficult person to be with although in the outcome it is all worth it. I have faith that God will send me who he has for me, and when he does I know that they will love me as I want to be love. When this happens I know that this will be the family I have always desired, and the relationship which would last forever because it was meant to be. As the princesses in the Disney movies, I know that my like them my life, love, and happiness will someday be linked, locked, and real.