Blog #1 Into

May 26, 2013

Crybaby’s Blog

I use to write more than I do now. I often found at times that there was nothing I can do but pray and write.  I have always found ways to express myself weather it’s through, verbal word or  written print either way, I found that I can take how I felt and express it ways that others could understand me. However when I truly think about expressing how I feel, I remember of a time where my personal journal was read and used against me to not only judge me but incarcerate me in mental hospital, because the world does not really want to know the truth.  This may seem as if I am paranoid or creating a conspiracy theory but those who know me know, this is my life. Struggling with a mental illness most of my life, I have come to accept that the thoughts, and the way my mind works is far from normal. Realizing that my mind races, my views vary from many, my depression is circulating, and my life is at a point of change and growth, I understood the need to begin writing again and expressing to the world what life is expressively like in the mind of; the mental, educated, and self loafing that lies within me.  

When attending church on Sundays I am in my own bubble, when I think of why I had really stepped into the doors of the church. I once was in dark hole, which no one could pull me out. I was full of depression, fear, despair. I remember very little through those years in fact the only thing I remembered was the voices I my head, the anxiety in my chest, and the pain in my heart. I knew I was broken and that I needed to concede with my thoughts and voices and take my life from this Earth. It wasn’t until my six suicide attempt where, I attempted to hang myself, and was admitted again to the mental hospital, that my kids came to me and asked, “What they had done, and why I didn’t want to be with them.” It was that point I changed my life and began living for my children even more than ever. As a Christian I had known that suicide was the ultimate sin, but still felt that the hell I was going too could not compare to the hell I already lived in. It was the film, The Passion of Christ which opened my mind and heart when I realized that Jesus died for me, how I dare take the life he has given me? Although my thoughts haven’t changed my heart and attitude has, and I could no longer continue to take my life but instead praise him for what he has brought me through, and what he had seen in me. Since I knew I wanted to overcome these negative thoughts and feelings, I felt I had to lean on something, so why not God? Why not Jesus who dies for me?

I then sat and continued to ask myself even more questions because once I think one thought, my thoughts become a chain of thoughts. My mind races and flips as if the button was stuck on the channel up button, and the scenes flipped at a fast pace.  When did this rage of emotions start for me? When did I first hear the voices singing lyrics of negativity? Was it my parents’ divorce? The molestation when I was younger? Maybe even when I was raped? I had never thought of any of these situations to have defined who I am or even accept that I wanted to establish that these incidents even affected me. I then think of the incidents which I did feel like affected me like;  my personal relationships of my past, mental hospitalizations, jail, the attempt of death on my life, my children, my schooling, change in my sexual orientation, fibromyalgia, and my addiction with prescription pills.  Many of these situations most have also experienced as well, however every one adjust and adapts differently after incidents such as these. I have learned that these are traumatic incidents, and that they have an effect in persons’ life, self esteem, and motivation for life.  I know that all these have been altered for me as well, but I have also learned to forgive, live and learn for each. So paranoid I think not, without judgment and with some understanding one can understand my anxiety and racing thoughts. One can feel the emotions I feel and see how it was difficult to find a light in that dark whole.

I am no longer scared of judgment or what people think, but am more afraid of not letting others know what I’ve been through and even more how I came through, and that I am still climbing to get out. This is the first of many of my blogs where I will continue to express me, my life, and my mind. Although much of my habits may be unhealthy I have adapted to my life through, cutting myself, prayer, helping others, my education, marijuana and the investments for my children. Still growing and changing, I now realize this is just the beginning of my life, but to get to my future I wanted to share with everyone my struggle, testimony, and my past. Scared only of those I might hurt through my truth and feelings, I still feel that only truth heals all, and honestly heals the mind, in time all will be forgiven and a new understanding will have arrived. Don’t judge but open your mind and find out not what you may learn about me, but what you may learn about; yourself, life, and even love.

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