Blog #4-Mind of the confused!

Blog #4-Mind of the confused!

There are times during the day, where my heart is pounding out of my chest, my neck tenses up, and then I realize that I don’t have control over anything even myself. I find that it is at these times which I feel lost the most. There are times where I can look right in front of me and I not know where I am at, or even which direction I want to go. As the world continues to spend around me I begin to lose consciousness of everything I thought I was aware about. How come I can bring light to so many others lives but I, myself still live in the dark? I constantly awake on a daily a wonder how I even got here, or why am I even in these situations. Since I am always beating up on myself of course I blame no one but myself for anything negative which I let happen in my life. I do realize that I put myself in a cycle of unhappiness and depression but I also realize that this cycle was predestined and meant to teach me something valuable.

At first glance I can never determine the lesson, it isn't until the second, third, and forth looks that I realize that the lesson is usually bigger than me. Also that within the deeper meaning I can usually find the logical answer. What is ironic is that many know me as one to be crazy or 5150, however it is usually I who can determine some truth or logic to the situation, while allowing others to also find that same logic.

One thing I have learned in my young but mature 30 years of age, is that my thoughts may not always be as normal and as rational as those who claim to have no mental illnesses but my thoughts are still clear enough to see reality and how it can affect me if I were truly as blind as I may appear to be. I can clearly see patterns and actions. I can recognize consideration and caring. I can also understand truth and heartbreak. I can only see these things from experience, past examples and living life. When I see some of these same things I look at the situation as a chance to make brighter and wiser choice and more importantly a second chance to do things differently although it may not be right.

I have found that my thoughts get me into trouble, and that I allow my past to relive in my future. My impulsiveness, stubbornness, and insecurities drain me as a person and causes me to lose valuable relationships. Attempting to protect myself from getting hurt, has pushed me to get hurt more than not. What do you do when you feel you may be your only demise?

Every day I try to learn something new and to grow a little more as a person. Although the cycle of my mind tends to often set me back, I find that I am still strong enough to take one step forward. I find that I don’t ever feel like I am strong enough in a situation until I am forced and have no other choice but to be strong, and move on. Working well under pressure has allowed me to be able to adjust and adapt to any situation presented to me, once I open my eyes and remember who I really am! However it doesn't give me time, and a chance to learn and love as much as I would like to open myself up too.

Anyone who has the mind of the confused such as myself, or mental health issues as the world calls it, think of how we picture our minds to be if it weren't broken, but calmed, healed, and relaxed. The mind of the confused may give me the feeling of being lost or feeling empty, but our minds are a door to offering a band new understanding to life. Minds of the confused, I say, “No!” Minds of deeper thoughts, and the path to the world’s reality!